Author Topic: Jokes Page  (Read 42513 times)

Offline Donald

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Jokes Page
« on: April 05, 2010, 06:12:23 AM »
A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.



Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached anApplication Contact Status
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 - To make an appointment to see me.
2 - To query a missing payment.
3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client,



Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2010, 11:16:29 AM »
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has
cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is
deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It  was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything  that
he might have to testify about in court.

When the  Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper
about his missing $10  million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where
the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is.'

The attorney, using sign  language, asks the
bookkeeper where the money is. The bookkeeper  signs back: 'I
don't know what you are talking about.'

The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he
doesn't know what you're talking about.'

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!'

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't
tell him!'

The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The
money is  in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's
backyard in Queens !'

The  Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well,
what'd he say?'

The  attorney replies: 'He says you don't
have the balls to pull the  trigger.'


Don't you just love lawyers?



 :applause:

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2010, 08:50:15 AM »
EXERCISE FOR 40 YEARS AND OLDER.
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.
 
With a 5 kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
 
Each day youíll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.  After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10 kg potato sack.

Then try 50 kg potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms out for more than a full minute (Iím at this level)
 
After you feel confident, put a potato in each of the sacks.


ContentWriter

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2010, 09:05:31 AM »
Love it! That is soooo me when it comes to exercise!




Thanks for the hearty laughs!!!
~Karen
Your Go to Gal!

ContentWriter

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Attn: Donald - Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2010, 09:12:44 AM »
Donald, can you receive PM's yet?
I've sent you a couple.

~Karen
Your Go to Gal

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2010, 09:59:01 AM »
Hi Karen,

Yes, I PM'd you back on one and sent you an e mail for the other, for some reason I should have PM'd both.
Donald

Offline Donald

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Affiliate Links.
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2010, 10:15:09 AM »
Hi,

How do you guys hide your affiliate links, do you cloak them.

I copy and paste my affiliate links. I open Word 2007, click on the Insert tab and then on the hyperlink link. I enter my affilaite in the bottom address bar and in the top enter the name I want to show as a link. To test I copy the text and paste onto an e mail and send the email to myself. It always works. A bit of useless information, but you never know somebody might use it.

  :sunshine:

Donald

ContentWriter

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Re: Affiliate Links.
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2010, 10:21:18 AM »
I use this:
http://newnetrepreneur.com/Link-Cloaker/

Or, you can install a script that will store your links in a database and they're formatted ie. /go/yourlinkname, /recommends/yourlinkname, etc.

~Karen
Your Go to Gal


Hi,

How do you guys hide your affiliate links, do you cloak them.

I copy and paste my affiliate links. I open Word 2007, click on the Insert tab and then on the hyperlink link. I enter my affilaite in the bottom address bar and in the top enter the name I want to show as a link. To test I copy the text and paste onto an e mail and send the email to myself. It always works. A bit of useless information, but you never know somebody might use it.

  :sunshine:

Donald

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #8 on: April 21, 2010, 04:41:12 AM »
EXERCISE FOR 40 YEARS AND OLDER.
 
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room on each side.
 
With a 5 kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.  Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
 
Each day youíll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.  After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10 kg potato sack.

Then try 50 kg potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms out for more than a full minute (Iím at this level)
 
After you feel confident, put a potato in each of the sacks.



Brilliant Donald.

That method suits me down to the ground.

Cheers

Jim

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #9 on: April 23, 2010, 01:21:33 PM »
I feel I have to start this off with an apology ...

This joke is sooo bad I'm truly sorry!




Having said that:


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States ,
wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait
for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the
distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ...
every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?  We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage that smell like
bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.  He gets to within 5 metres,
Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis
drops like a wet sock.  Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying
breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...


 Ees...


 Ees...


 Ees...



 Ees a ham bush...."

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #10 on: April 24, 2010, 06:15:00 AM »
Quote
I feel I have to start this off with an apology ...

This joke is sooo bad I'm truly sorry!

Apology accepted.

However Dom, it made me laugh.

Thanks for sharing

Jim

Offline KarenMcG

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #11 on: April 24, 2010, 01:44:33 PM »
I'm with Jim, Dom.

I think it's funny.  ;D

No need for apologies.


Karen

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #12 on: April 25, 2010, 04:38:27 AM »
Dom,

Never mind mate, it was funny, but bad. No need for an apology.

Donald

 :applause:

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #13 on: April 26, 2010, 09:27:30 AM »
The Original Computer!!!!   

 



Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
 A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3.5 inch floppy.

You just hoped nobody ever found out!?! 

 
 

 ;D

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2010, 04:50:26 AM »
CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'