Author Topic: Jokes Page  (Read 42133 times)

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2010, 04:58:30 AM »
I couldn't stop laughing................

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for China!

Now, here goes...

The following is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service in a hotel..

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?  Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...  Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea.. meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"


Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'......and you do, don't you?!!!

 :sunshine: :cool:


Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2010, 05:00:25 AM »
Still laughing at the last one.....

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE


(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.


(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.


(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.


(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)


(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.  That will bring on a 'whatever').


(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying UP YOURS!


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.


* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!






ContentWriter

  • Guest
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2010, 05:21:44 AM »
What is the final step of trans-gender surgery from female to male?














They remove half the brain.


Sorry guys, couldn't resist a little cerebral humor  :D

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2010, 10:52:53 AM »
Tut Tut!!!

 :cool:

Offline Jim Burney

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7,075
  • The Lord is my Shepherd-I Shall not Want
    • View Profile
    • Beginners Guide To Internet Marketing
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #19 on: May 13, 2010, 06:54:07 AM »
Quote
What is the final step of trans-gender surgery from female to male?


Karen

I'm trying very very hard to think of the real answer to your teaser. :o

Jim

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #20 on: May 13, 2010, 12:13:01 PM »
Quote
What is the final step of trans-gender surgery from female to male?


Karen

I'm trying very very hard to think of the real answer to your teaser. :o

Jim

I think what she is implying Jim is men have only half a brain. Think that's what she meant...

valpubs

  • Guest
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #21 on: May 13, 2010, 04:06:25 PM »
A sales rep is way out in the boondocks and stops for the night in an independent motel.

In his room was a metal box, with various sized openings in the front at different heights, attached to the wall with the legend

'Let me be your wife! 5c only!'

The sales rep thinks

'Hmm, I've been away from home for a week - there's only me here in the whole motel - it's only 5c - who's to know?'

With that blast of male logic he drops his pants and advances into his chosen aperture with heightened anticipation

Almost immediately he lurches backwards with an almighty scream...




to find a button has been sewed on.


Offline Jim Burney

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7,075
  • The Lord is my Shepherd-I Shall not Want
    • View Profile
    • Beginners Guide To Internet Marketing
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #22 on: May 14, 2010, 06:45:57 AM »
Ouch!!! :o :o :o :o

Not very very hard to understand the logic of a man. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Jim

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #23 on: May 14, 2010, 06:47:09 PM »
Subject: thanks for the emails

Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants  to split seven
million pounds with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will sit on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Regards,

Your friend

 :thinking:


Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #24 on: May 14, 2010, 07:00:10 PM »
This is hilarious!!! Remember this the next time you need to return something and they are giving you a hard time!!!!!!!  A woman went to a Wal-Mart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming.
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,                             PINCH MY NIPPLES,                         PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager
In front of a growing crowd of customers,  The manager comes to the woman and asks,'Ma'am what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he  can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!   In shock, the store manager pleads,
'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'
In a huff, the woman says,
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!


Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #25 on: May 14, 2010, 07:01:28 PM »
The Buttocks


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body

Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate

Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body

That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come

From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they

Would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they

Requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After

All, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was

Completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his

Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was

Overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,

I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.

How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,

'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother

Kiss you on the cheek.'
 
 
 

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #26 on: May 14, 2010, 07:03:19 PM »
What I think is the near perfect solution for airport security!


       *Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body
       scanners at the airports. Have a booth that you can step into
       that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device
       you may have on you.*


   *It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this
   crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long
   and expensive trial.  Justice would be quick and swift..*

   *Case Closed!*

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #27 on: May 14, 2010, 07:08:41 PM »
To Those of You Born
1930 - 1979

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please
read what he said.
Very well stated, Mr. Leno.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads..

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing....that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo's and X-boxes.. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound
or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many ey es.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and invento rs ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?


The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us...pass this on.

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #28 on: May 14, 2010, 07:10:37 PM »
Hi,

Sorry for that. Winding down, been a long day in the shed. These will tide you over for a while. Hope no one is offended.

Have a great weekend. Hope the weather is a snice tomorrow as it was today.

Donald

 o::) o::) o::) o::) ::*

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,449
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #29 on: June 10, 2010, 10:14:02 AM »
Hi Folks,

Time for some jokes:

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, he looks down and
says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles,
Turner Brown.'

The little white guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to
me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white guy says: ‘Turner Brown?!......Thank heavens, I
thought you said Turn around’’.

 :sunshine: :applause: :nail: :o ??? o::) o::)