Author Topic: Jokes Page  (Read 54112 times)

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #30 on: June 10, 2010, 10:21:44 AM »
This one is for you Ladies who need a laugh and for us guys if we can handle it......
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you.  I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.  I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it.  Those are my rules.  Any comments?'
His new bride said, 'No, that's fine with me.  Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether you're here or not.'



Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #31 on: June 11, 2010, 09:45:10 AM »
Hi Donald

You just brightened my day with them 2 corkers.



Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #32 on: June 12, 2010, 04:19:00 AM »

Part 2 Guys and Gals

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!  The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:  'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever '  'Yeah?' she replies.  'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:  'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last'


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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #33 on: June 16, 2010, 08:23:54 PM »
Thanks for that, Donald.


                       1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'


"My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.       
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient. 

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #34 on: June 17, 2010, 02:22:54 AM »
Nice one Mickey. Cannae beat a good joke.


P.S. Part 3 of the Marriage joke coming soon.

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #35 on: June 17, 2010, 03:34:21 PM »
Part 3 of the Marriage story will come soon. This one is good. It is about us oldies I'm afraid but funny. I have left a link at the bottom. It's from my friend from the Islands (Outer Hebrides) You should have a look at his blog. Very intelligent guy, his posts are usually about day to day happenings especially politics. He also trnaslates English into Gaelic. His most recent was translating for the Scottish government and I believe for an organisation in Texas. Anyway, here we go.............

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the waste basket under the table,
And notice that the basket is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the rubbish anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over...

The Coke is getting warm ,
And I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water..

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on th e counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favour.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.

Help yourself to beat the recession --

An irreverent look at the world around us --

 :sunshine:  Weather scorching here today.

I'll go and get the Marriage part 3.

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #36 on: June 17, 2010, 03:36:38 PM »
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.  Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.  After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.  She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'what took you so long to answer the phone?'  She says, 'I was in bed.'  'In bed this early, doing what?'  'Getting a second opinion!'

 :cool: :applause:

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #37 on: June 17, 2010, 03:46:21 PM »

Haven't done any IM today. Spent most of the day trying to get the car fixed, and that's only the first thing, plenty more needed to do before mot NEXT MONTH.

Tomorrow, very early, taking sister in law to Glasgow Airport and busy in the afternoon. A friend works for a loan company and she off next weekend and I'm collecting the money for her as she is going to Ibizia on a "hen" weekend and 2 weeks later she is going to the music festival T in the Park.

On Sat, very early taking brother in Law to Edinburgh Airport. Who sees "Mug" on forehead. That's the problem with the missus. Any one needing a lift or whatever, "Donald will do it" but Donald doesn't know until later when wife says tells him. Over the years always happens. I did have to say, ask first and I'll say yes instead of being volunteered. I don't mind, it's the fact that I get volunteered a lot of the time when I'm not there.

Any you guys feel the same way, bet there are a few.

Anyway, I now must go and get pub keys so that the wife can lock up at closing time. Me that doesn't own it anymore and Guess who asked me to go go????????????


Everyone have a good weekend when it comes. I'm going to try and stay sober this one. Had a few last Saturday when I finished a shift in the pub I don't own anymore, but, got paid.

Donald :sunshine: :cool: ;C :music: :::tu 8)9 *B* ::* o::) o::) o::) o::) o::) o::) o::) o::) o::)

Offline Mark Austin

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #38 on: June 18, 2010, 12:58:33 PM »
Hi Donald,

Looks like you have a busy weekend planned! Hope you enjoy Saturday
with your brother in law!  :smiley:  :smiley:  :smiley:  :smiley:  :smiley:

Just teasing you bro!

"ask first and I'll say yes instead of being volunteered."

Totally agree!

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great.”
~ Mark Twain

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #39 on: June 19, 2010, 11:02:30 AM »
Hi Mark,

Up at 0530 this morning. Went to work for an hour and a bit then picked up B.I.L. and took him to Edinburgh Airport. Wife working till 1730 and wants a BBQ, the one thing I can be bothered with today.

I just can't be bothered with anything at the moment.


Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #40 on: June 19, 2010, 11:05:11 AM »
Marriage  (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.   He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, 'Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.  One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'  His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.'
Don't wind up the women.


Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #41 on: June 22, 2010, 08:47:15 AM »
Last one on the marriage scenario. Hope you all enjoyed. Hopefully next time it'll be the other way about.
Marriage  (Part V)
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.  Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,  'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .'  He left it where he knew she would find it.  The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.  Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.  The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM .  Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.  God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.


 ;;:B ;;:B :applause: ::P :sunshine: :cool: *duh* *duh*


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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #42 on: June 22, 2010, 10:14:59 AM »

I check here before I start my day, and have noticed that doing so makes my days better all around.

Thank you for being my blessing on those days when I didn't want to get out of bed, much less work.

Best wishes,

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #43 on: June 22, 2010, 02:11:08 PM »

Thanks for that. Appreciated. As long as I keep getting them from friends and family I will keep posting.

Donald :cool:


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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #44 on: June 22, 2010, 02:13:57 PM »
One for Donald (plus any other members of Gaelic extraction)

Q: What do you call a Scotsman with one foot inside his house and one outside it?

A: Hamish

(This joke works if you have a broad Scots brogue and no, I won't explain it - lol)