Author Topic: Jokes Page  (Read 46228 times)

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #375 on: January 30, 2015, 02:29:53 PM »
I asked my doctor whether coffee can make you go blind.

"Only if you leave the spoon in" was his reply

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #376 on: February 08, 2015, 04:09:41 AM »
This has been around for a while but I think it will put a smile on your face. :wav:

Humor:  Disorder in the Court
 
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to the deposition notice I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
 
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the  occult?
A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.

Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
A:  Uhhhh…
 
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
A:  Every time.
 
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Enjoy your week everyone.

Jim

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #377 on: February 23, 2015, 05:52:57 PM »
LETTER HOME FROM A FARM KID, TRAINING AS A MARINE CORPS RECRUIT
 
Dear Ma and Pa:
 
I am well.
Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things.
No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood  to split, or fire to lay.
Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
 
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee.
Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
 
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches" the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.
If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.
 
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.
I keep getting medals for shooting.
I don't know why.
The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.
You don't even load your own cartridges.
They come in boxes.
 
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys.
I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.

I'm about the best fighter they got except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once.
He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
 
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Your loving daughter,
Betty Sue

Thanks to P Humbert's newsletter

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #378 on: February 24, 2015, 09:22:14 AM »
Nice one Jim, lol.

Donald

 :wav:

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #379 on: February 25, 2015, 02:08:03 AM »
The Past, the Present and the Future walked into a bar...

It was tense !

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #380 on: March 22, 2015, 07:31:37 AM »
Not a Funny...


Ever Wonder …


Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with
their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline ,
"Psychic Wins Lottery?"

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they
do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have
to click on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavor, and dish washing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your
money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting,
who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for
lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box
that is used on airplanes? Why don't they
make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they
are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress
the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?


:)

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #381 on: March 22, 2015, 12:32:20 PM »
Great list Donald.

I just love puns like them.
 :wav:

Jim

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #382 on: March 24, 2015, 06:48:49 PM »
There's a band out there called '1023mB' ...

They've not got a gig yet !

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #383 on: March 24, 2015, 06:50:26 PM »
Why do Communists hate loose leaf Darjeeling?

Because all 'proper tea' is theft

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #384 on: March 24, 2015, 06:53:44 PM »
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician went out a-hunting deer.

After an hour they come across a magnificent, full-spread buck.

The biologist shot first but missed to the left by 5 feet

The chemist went next and again missed by 5 feet but this time to the right.

The statistician yelled out "Yeah" We got them all!"

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #385 on: March 25, 2015, 11:51:11 AM »
 *duh* *duh* *duh* *duh*

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician went out a-hunting deer.

After an hour they come across a magnificent, full-spread buck.

The biologist shot first but missed to the left by 5 feet

The chemist went next and again missed by 5 feet but this time to the right.

The statistician yelled out "Yeah" We got them all!"

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #386 on: March 25, 2015, 11:52:27 AM »
Sorry folks....lol....


ONE FOR THE DAY
 The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a  beer.
 After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big  white horse outside?"  The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt,  and  said "I do....why? ”
 The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d  like to  know that your horse is close to death outside!! ”
 The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was  ready  to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and  soon  Silver was starting to feel a little better.
 The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run  around  Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start  to  feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles  around Silver.
 Unable to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the  saloon to finish his drink.
 A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns  that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I  do, what's wrong with him this time? ”
  (....I JUST LOVE THIS PART….)
 "Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!! ”




Maybe that's a  *duh* as well.....lol.

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #387 on: March 25, 2015, 12:44:55 PM »
Donald and Dom,

Great to see you've brought life to this thread again.  :::tu :::tu :::tu

Enjoyed your recent inputs.  :wav:

Jim

Offline Mark Austin

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #388 on: March 25, 2015, 06:43:05 PM »
There's a band out there called '1023mB' ...

They've not got a gig yet !

Love it! Thanks Dom.

Mark
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great.”
~ Mark Twain

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #389 on: March 26, 2015, 05:32:49 AM »
There's a band out there called '1023mB' ...

They've not got a gig yet !

Love it! Thanks Dom.

Mark

No worries