Author Topic: Jokes Page  (Read 46241 times)

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,451
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #390 on: March 26, 2015, 10:03:49 AM »
The Bronze Rat

A woman walks into a curio shop in
San Francisco.
Looking around at the exotica, she
notices a very lifelike, life-sized
bronze statue of a rat.

It has no price tag, but is so striking
she decides she must have it.

She takes it to the owner:
"How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred
dollars for the story,"
says the owner.

The woman gives the shop owner twelve
dollars.

"I'll just take the rat, you can keep
the story."

As she walks down the street carrying
his bronze rat, she notices that a few
real rats have crawled out of alleys
and sewers, and begun following her
down the street.

This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins
walking a little faster.
Within a couple blocks, the group of rats
behind her grows to over a hundred, and
they begin squealing. She starts to trot
toward the Bay.

She takes a nervous look aro und and sees
that the rats now number in the thousands,
maybe millions and they are all squealing
and coming toward her faster and faster.

Now terrified, she runs to the edge of
the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as
far out into the Bay as she can.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump
into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

The woman walks back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," says the owner,

"I'll bet you have come back for the
story?"

"No," said the woman,

"I came back to see if you have a
bronze Politician!"

:)


 :wav:

valpubs

  • Guest
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #391 on: April 02, 2015, 06:35:42 AM »
Fastest way to ruin a 'Knock, knock' joke:

"Knock, knock!"

"It`s open!"

Offline Jim Burney

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7,092
  • The Lord is my Shepherd-I Shall not Want
    • View Profile
    • Beginners Guide To Internet Marketing
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #392 on: April 13, 2015, 12:24:36 AM »
A six–year–old girl was drawing a picture one day.
Her teacher said, ‘What are you drawing?’
The little girl answered, ‘I am drawing a picture of God.’
The teacher was surprised and said, ‘But nobody knows what God looks like!’
The little girl carried on drawing and replied,
‘They will in a minute.’

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,451
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #393 on: April 29, 2015, 09:50:02 AM »
A typical answer from a child, lol, nice one Jim.


A six–year–old girl was drawing a picture one day.
Her teacher said, ‘What are you drawing?’
The little girl answered, ‘I am drawing a picture of God.’
The teacher was surprised and said, ‘But nobody knows what God looks like!’
The little girl carried on drawing and replied,
‘They will in a minute.’

Offline Jim Burney

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7,092
  • The Lord is my Shepherd-I Shall not Want
    • View Profile
    • Beginners Guide To Internet Marketing
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #394 on: April 29, 2015, 11:51:06 AM »
Thanks Donald

Love this type of childlike humour myself.

 :wav:

Jim

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,451
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #395 on: May 11, 2015, 06:38:02 PM »
Breast Milk Advantages
 
 (A True Story from Real Medical Exams)
 
 The student - not necessarily a well-prepared
 student - sat in his life science classroom
 staring at a question on the final exam paper.
 
 The question directed:
 
 "Give four advantages of breast milk."
 
 What to write?
 
 He sighed, and began to scribble whatever
 came into his head, hoping for the best:
 
 1. No need to boil.
 2. Cats can't steal it.
 3. Available whenever necessary.
 
 Um. So far so good - maybe.
 
 But the exam demanded a four-part answer.
 
 Again, what to write?
 
 Once more he sighed.
 
 He frowned.
 
 He scowled.
 
 Then sighed again.
 
 But suddenly, he brightened.
 
 He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly
 scribbled his definitive answer:
 
 
 4. Available in attractive containers.


 :wav:

Offline SurfSmarter

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 517
    • View Profile
Is retirement ever boring...
« Reply #396 on: May 12, 2015, 03:42:21 PM »
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veterans cap when I went to Wal-Mart.

There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to Wally World to look at the 'Wal-Martians' is always good for some comic release.

Besides, I always feel pretty 'normal' after seeing some of the people that requent this establishment.

But, I digress ... enough of my psychological fixations.....

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"

"No," I replied. "Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812." [I thought this was a snappy retort.]

"The War of 1812, huh?" the 'Wal-Martian' queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity.

"1936," I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment, and then asked, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1936?"

"It was a Black Operation. No one is supposed to know about it." (This was beginning to be way too much fun!)

"DUDE! Really?" he exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy, and in a low voice, said. "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude!!" he was really getting excited about what he was hearing! "That is seriously awesome! But, didn't you... kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were all wearing white camouflage."

The moron nodded knowingly.

"Listen, man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me that, 'don't threaten me' look. "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family, don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?" The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door.

By this time, the lady behind me was about to have a heart attack, she was laughing so hard.
I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw Dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman. Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction. Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped into the car and sped out of their parking lot in a flurry of dust!

What a great time I had!

Tomorrow I'm going back with my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day, I will go to the DMV -- so I can wear a Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty out the place.

Whoever said 'Retirement is boring,' just needs the right kind of cap!

Offline SurfSmarter

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 517
    • View Profile
THEY WALK AMONG US
« Reply #397 on: May 24, 2015, 06:34:35 AM »
Where do these people hide when they're not on holiday /vacation?!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...

THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

Offline Jim Burney

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7,092
  • The Lord is my Shepherd-I Shall not Want
    • View Profile
    • Beginners Guide To Internet Marketing
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #398 on: May 24, 2015, 10:35:13 AM »
Thanks SS for making me realize my life is not too bad after all.  ;) :toothy12:

 :wav: :wav: :wav:  ;)

Jim

Offline SurfSmarter

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 517
    • View Profile
SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR
« Reply #399 on: May 24, 2015, 10:36:38 PM »
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man who lived on a nearby reservation and was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Have a GREAT rest of your day, guys and girls.

John

Offline snginc

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 3,678
  • Nothing is impossible to an open mind!
    • View Profile
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #400 on: May 25, 2015, 09:52:30 AM »
groan!  :thinking:

Offline snginc

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 3,678
  • Nothing is impossible to an open mind!
    • View Profile
Re: THEY WALK AMONG US
« Reply #401 on: May 25, 2015, 10:03:30 AM »
We call people like this oxygen thieves (on a help desk I help run)!  I especially love #19!
Where do these people hide when they're not on holiday /vacation?!

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE ...

THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!

Offline Mark Austin

  • Admin
  • Posts: 7,962
  • Life is like photography. Use negatives to develop
    • View Profile
    • Resell Rights Weekly
Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #402 on: May 25, 2015, 02:02:16 PM »
Yeah, #19 is pretty funny!  :laugh:  Fits right in with the "victim mentality" that is so prevalent in our culture today.

Mark
“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great.”
~ Mark Twain

Offline SurfSmarter

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 517
    • View Profile
Sunday Mornings
« Reply #403 on: May 27, 2015, 10:36:52 PM »
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

Offline Donald

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 2,451
    • View Profile
    • My Blog
Re: Sunday Mornings
« Reply #404 on: June 12, 2015, 02:05:36 AM »
Nice one mate....lol.



Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.