Author Topic: Jokes Page  (Read 42465 times)

Offline SurfSmarter

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #405 on: July 21, 2015, 07:25:26 PM »
A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite".

"Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."

Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend

"Well, "said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card it has everything on it".

Later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old you are . You are 32".

The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And, "the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".

"Oh really?" The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".

Mother fainted.

Offline Donald

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #406 on: July 22, 2015, 02:16:30 AM »
That's kids for you....lol.

 :wav:


A mom is driving her little girl to a friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy ," the little girl asks ,"how old are you?"
"Honey , you are not supposed to ask a lady her age", the mother warns .
"It is not polite".

"Ok", the little girl says ."How much do you weigh?"
"Now really ," the mother says , "these are personal questions and really none of your business."

Undaunted , the little girl asks," why did you and daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions , honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything ." The little girl says to her friend

"Well, "said the friend ,"all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card it has everything on it".

Later that night ,the little girls says to her mother ," I know how old you are . You are 32".

The mother is surprised and asks ,"how did you find that out?"
"I also know that you weigh 140pounds ." The mother is past surprise and shocked now.

" How in heaven 's name did you find that out?"
"And, "the little girl says triumphantly ,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce".

"Oh really?" The mother asks ." And why's that?"
"Because you got an F in sex".

Mother fainted.

valpubs

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #407 on: September 08, 2015, 03:20:43 AM »
Do you remember the Energizer bunny?

It's been arrested for battery !!

Offline SurfSmarter

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #408 on: September 10, 2015, 05:28:53 PM »
NUDE BEACH ....... !!!

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play...

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother: 'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.


Offline SurfSmarter

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #409 on: February 10, 2016, 11:13:48 PM »
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

Online Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #410 on: February 11, 2016, 05:36:33 PM »
Good 'un, really enjoyed the thought process.

 :wav:

Offline SurfSmarter

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For all us Canucks!
« Reply #411 on: March 05, 2016, 08:27:18 PM »
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persisted and asked to see the manager.

The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

Canada Sir, the boy replied.

Well, why did you leave Canada, the manager asked.

The boy said Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.

Really, said the manager. My wife is from Canada.

‘No crap' replied the boy. Who'd she play for?

Online Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #412 on: March 06, 2016, 12:09:45 AM »
The young produce assistant will go far.  ;) :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Thanks for sharing!

Online Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #413 on: April 30, 2016, 12:04:08 PM »
Bit of fun for the last day of April 2016   :wav:

New dictionary definitions:

Avoidable:                                 What a bullfighter tries to do.
 
Bernadette:                               The act of torching a loan.
 
Counterfeiters:                           Workers who assemble kitchen cabinets.

Can Guest add any more??

Enjoy

Jim

Offline decksharp

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #414 on: May 17, 2016, 11:06:55 PM »

internet      how fish commit suicide?

Offline SurfSmarter

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #415 on: July 25, 2016, 05:20:33 PM »
A cat died and went to heaven. God met her at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard-wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge, fluffy pillow.

A few days later, twelve mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates of Heaven with the same offer he made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all our lives from cats, dogs and people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok?" How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals-On-Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Offline Kelly Ling

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #416 on: August 04, 2016, 06:10:00 PM »
Little Emily, the minister's daughter, ran into the house, crying as though her heart would break.

"What's wrong, dear?" asked the pastor.

"My doll! Billy broke it!" she sobbed.

"How did he break it, Emily?"

"I hit him over the head with it."

 :wav:
Kelly Ling

Offline SurfSmarter

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #417 on: September 02, 2016, 09:47:35 AM »
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery . He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...'

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.



Here's hoping that you have a great rest of your day

Online Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #418 on: September 03, 2016, 12:16:40 AM »
Nice, clean, funny and  :cool:!

Thanks for sharing this story.

Offline SurfSmarter

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #419 on: December 27, 2016, 08:48:49 PM »
Seriously people there are 363 days until Christmas,
it's a little early to have the decorations up, isn't it ?