Author Topic: Jokes Page  (Read 58367 times)

Offline Mark Austin

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #435 on: April 03, 2017, 10:48:11 PM »
Oh, that is just too funny!  Especially #1  :laugh:

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great.”
~ Mark Twain

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Colonoscopies are no joke, but...
« Reply #436 on: April 04, 2017, 01:32:56 AM »

Yesterday I skimmed over these comments and shrugged my shoulders a little.
Not John's usual standard were my feelings.

Today I've noticed the subject line.  :shocked2:  :shocked2: :shocked2: :shocked2: :shocked2:

What a difference a day makes.....  :toothy12: :wav: :toothy12:

Fun-knee, thanks for sharing.

In continuing the favourite theme, mine is Number 8 makes me smile without too much pain!


A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their procedures:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Offline AlexBarret

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #437 on: May 26, 2017, 11:14:23 AM »
The child and his mother:

A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”
It`s true.)))

Offline SurfSmarter

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Dark in here...
« Reply #438 on: July 19, 2017, 09:20:06 AM »
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says, "$500"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #439 on: November 05, 2017, 01:58:30 AM »
Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.
He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

Offline soyb

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Re: Jokes Page
« Reply #440 on: May 01, 2018, 04:40:47 PM »
These are samples of Jewish humor - it may not be to everyone's taste - read at your peril:

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven where he tells God a Holocaust joke.
God doesn't find it funny
"Ah well" says the survivor "I suppose you had to be there"

A census-taker knocks on the door of Jacob Singer. Jacob answers.
"Does Jacob Singer live here?"
"No" says Jacob
"What's your name then?"
"Jacob Singer"
"But you just said Jacob Singer doesn't live here!"
"You call this living?"

3. (Allegedly overheard in a WWII labor camp)
2 Jews meet in Warsaw and one of them is drinking a strong perfume.
"Moishe, why, on Earth are you drinking perfume?"
"If they are going to turn me into soap I might as well smell nice"

Talk about extracting humor out of bad situations!