Author Topic: 'G' Rated Jokes  (Read 7451 times)

valpubs

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'G' Rated Jokes
« on: March 10, 2009, 06:00:41 PM »
OK Folks

With a nod of appreciation to Jim for his thread on quotes I'd like to start a joke thread
(No adult themes please !  :-[ )

A guy walks into a bar
Ouch!

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm
The barkeep says: "What'll ya have?"
The chap says: "A beer for me and one for the road"

A Blonde walks into a pet shop
"Excuse me" she says " but I'd like to buy a hornet"
Confused, the salesperson says "I'm sorry Miss but we don't sell those"
The blonde says "But you had one in the window yesterday!"



Offline KarenMcG

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2009, 12:39:00 PM »
Dom,

 ;D ;D

Okay, I didn't stop by yesterday and didn't know this thread had been started.

I'll see what I can find and I'll be back later.


Karen

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2009, 01:11:12 PM »
D

Great idea. ;C How about this one?

"You British have a strange sense of Humor" 8)shh

Can't believe I just wrote that. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Back to the drawing board  :::ww

Jim

Offline KarenMcG

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2009, 11:33:27 AM »
D

Great idea. ;C How about this one?

"You British have a strange sense of Humor" 8)shh

Can't believe I just wrote that. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Back to the drawing board  :::ww

Jim


Jim, Jim.   :o >:D

Karen

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2009, 09:59:33 AM »
Tribute to Tommy Cooper


Two fish in a tank.                                                                                          One of them said "you drive I'll man the guns".


Went to the dentist the other day. He said: "say Aah" I said: "Why"                         He said: "My dog's dead."


Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.                         The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

"Doctor, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"You've got Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is that common?" I asked.                                                                                "It's not unusual," he replied.

Does this type of humor get understood worldwide? ??? Answers on a postcard please. 8)shh

Best

Jim

Offline KarenMcG

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2009, 02:17:11 PM »
Good going, Jim.

I don't know about world wide, but I understand them.  :-)


Offline Jim Burney

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2009, 02:30:10 PM »
Good going, Jim.

I don't know about world wide, but I understand them.  :-)



Karen

Tommy Cooper was a comic genius amongst the all time great comedians.

I saw a live show of his some years back.

He was standing behind the stage curtain for 5 minutes before his act commenced.

The audience were in fits of laughter before he had shown his face. Just like that.

Brings back memories. :''(

Jim

valpubs

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2009, 04:44:49 PM »
Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they arrrrr

valpubs

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2009, 04:48:25 PM »
Lone Ranger walks into a bar and orders a drink.

While he stands there a cowboy enters and walks up to him

"Excuse me Lone" he said (they were on first name terms!) "but I've just watched Tonto going round and round your horse"

"Drat!" says Lone "I've left my Injun running "

valpubs

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2009, 04:51:25 PM »
A blind guy, new to New York City, walks into the middle of Times Square.

He stops, gets a good hold on his seeing-eye dog's lead and starts to spin the dog around his head

A cabbie stops and yells at the man "What the $^%**& are you doing man?"

The blind guy says:

"Just looking around"

Offline KarenMcG

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #10 on: March 26, 2009, 04:07:47 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D

Well, I see that you guys have been busy since I've been gone.

Don't stop!

Thank you.

Karen

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2009, 05:44:13 AM »
Hope I'm in the right forum. ;D

1. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

2. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

2. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

3. If all is not lost, where is it?

4. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

5. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.


 ;D ;D ;D

Jim

Offline KarenMcG

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #12 on: April 01, 2009, 05:39:40 PM »
Yep, Jim, you're in the right place!

These are all priceless!   ;D ;D

Thanks,

Karen

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2009, 12:35:00 PM »
Is this possible???

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Jim

Offline Jim Burney

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Re: 'G' Rated Jokes
« Reply #14 on: April 26, 2009, 07:11:25 AM »
Hi Folks, I'm here again.  8)shh

I found these quotes from Dave Barry highly amusing. So I thought I would share them with you under this thread. ;D ;D


Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.


The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.


Jim