Author Topic: Court Reporting  (Read 1226 times)

Offline KarenMcG

  • Sr Member
  • Posts: 3,750
    • View Profile
Court Reporting
« on: March 26, 2010, 10:29:56 PM »
One of my friends sent this to me yesterday. I'm sharing it with you because it's too fun not to!

Karen

-----------------------

KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
 
They walk among us.......

 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 
ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

 
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

 
And last:

 
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



ContentWriter

  • Guest
Re: Court Reporting
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2010, 12:52:47 AM »
Thank you for sharing that Karen.

My sides are gonna hurt all day tomorrow from laughing so hard!

~Karen

Mickey

  • Guest
Re: Court Reporting
« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2010, 08:12:03 AM »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Too funny!

Thank you.

Mickey

Offline Mark Austin

  • Admin
  • Posts: 7,962
  • Life is like photography. Use negatives to develop
    • View Profile
    • Resell Rights Weekly
Re: Court Reporting
« Reply #3 on: March 27, 2010, 10:03:51 AM »
Karen,

That's hilarious - thanks for sharing.

Mark

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that,
but the really great makes you feel that you, too, can become great.”
~ Mark Twain

Offline Jim Burney

  • Moderator
  • Posts: 7,078
  • The Lord is my Shepherd-I Shall not Want
    • View Profile
    • Beginners Guide To Internet Marketing
Re: Court Reporting
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2010, 10:38:06 AM »
Karen,

That's extremely funny, thanks for sharing.

Jim

mark1966

  • Guest
Re: Court Reporting
« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2010, 10:30:39 AM »
Karen,

LOL, that has really brightened up my day, thanks.